Grace

When you never give anyone a chance to show you grace, how do you ever learn the meaning of it?

I think that growing up in a full time ministry family affects your ability to really grasp Christianity and the essence of Christ's love. Sometimes I'm even cynical enough to believe it may hinder it all together. I'm sure some children who grew up in Christian homes would argue that this cannot only be limited to children of pastoral families, but I don't have that reference point. And others may say that we use this as a cop out and that it didn't affect them negatively, so maybe it's just me. But even so, at the age of 22 I'm realizing that not only do I not understand grace in even it's most basic form, I also reject it when it's offered to me, despite having grown up in a family and culture where grace is the basis of our lives.

My whole life has been built on achievement, in being the best in my group. In elementary and middle school it was about being the quickest to learn something- reading or math- and the best at it. In high school these achievements continued, and then others were added. President of clubs, earning solos in choir, making Homecoming court. In college the achievements turned to work- figuring out what I wanted to do and then climbing the ladder as quickly as possible.

I came by this need to achieve honestly. I have always been a perfectionist and an over achiever, and it's a dangerous place. It's a world full of anxiety and fear- a world where one mistake, whether noticed by others or not, can rip your world apart. It results in insomnia, anxiety attacks and depression. It can break a marriage. It feels impossible to fight off, but how do you fight it off, when everywhere you turn you are rewarded and praised for your "perfect" tendencies and your hard work? It quickly turns into a vicious cycle of seeking approval, needing approval and entering a tailspin without it.

Grace is something I desperately long for. I long to give grace and live a gracious, grace filled life; loving people until the know they don't have to earn it. But how can you show that without accepting it yourself? How can I preach grace when every time I misstep or don't perform to my highest potential, I become defensive and reject all help offered? They are completely contradictory.

Being broken in order to learn the importance and the gift of grace might be one of the most painful things I've experienced, and I don't know if it will ever end. It's a process of learning to love myself when I feel I've messed up. It's learning to ask for help. It's the constant check to keep down the wall of defense that rises in my heart every time I sense disappointment or disapproval. It's hard. And since the first week of January I've met at least one message of grace from God every day. Whispers of love, of gentle correction, and of self realization.

So, when I never give people the chance to extend me grace, how am I ever showing them grace in return? And if I'm never allowing myself the opportunity to fail, have I ever really managed to accept God's grace? This grace He so freely offers that I see in so many women I admire? That I so very desperately long to feel? That I so long to give?

2013 is my year of Grace.